Shit Stuff Kids Really Say (That Won’t Go on Posters)

WordPress (god bless em) are really REALLY good at highlighting fabby new bloggers. Except that WordPress is really really NOT good at highlighting fabby new bloggers because I have never yet made it to Freshly Pressed.

Despite this, I am not bitter.

I read my way through the omnibus of this and that and the other that throws up for me daily. Mostly without sour grapes. Sometimes I do follow the bloggers on Freshly Pressed. This can be a mistake as I am obsessed with shoes and most people are not. Therefore usually I find most of my REALLY good (good in this context = mental and shoe obessed) other bloggers through Shoeperwoman and Denise.

However, and I move swiftly on, I am not averse to a bit of cute in the child department.

Coz my children are the epitome of cute. Oh yes.

To paraphrase my mother:

“Why else would you have children other that to (a) torment them (b) derive amusement from them”. 

So this here post was cute for about the thirty seconds that I read it aloud to my husband before he stopped me.

That” he said “is kid quote fakery. Kids don’t say that stuff. Kids say the kind of things that our kids say“.


I bloody well hope not.  A representative sample of the stuff that my kids say appears below. {Legend: Quotes from the Minx (age 4) appear in  blue. Quotes from the Noisy Boy (aged 8) appear in diva-esque purple}

Daddy when will your boss see me naked.”  <turns round and wriggles little bare bum around like one of those women on the Shopping Channel Pish Circle Pro thingies>

When I close my eyes they don’t work.

My heart hurts because you are yelling at me.

Mummy – I like you wearing leather. 

Looking my outfit up and down – Mum, I like what you are doing here.

Mummy why do you have hair on your bagina?

I’m not listening to you – you are only my dad.

I’m not listening to you – my ears hurt.

If I don’t look at you I can’t hear or see you.

Will I ever get a willy as big as yours daddy? (my husband paid me to write this)

Mummy – you wear very tall shoes. I like this.

Wittner Black Stiletto Gladiator Boots

7 thoughts on “Shit Stuff Kids Really Say (That Won’t Go on Posters)

  1. Oh, I’m so honored! Being mentioned by someone I truly admired (and you know it’s sincere, you didn’t post for some time and I always came here hoping you had one of your great posts – finally they re-started!) is such an honor to me! (Can you believe I’m losing some “americanity”, or whatever it’s called? I started saying tom-Ah-to one of these days… and last week I wrote organiSe – I’m amazed! The boy says “you’ll turn into a British, I promised”, haha! But “honor” I now wrote without U…)
    Digression apart, I looooved what your kids said… they are not only super cute, but very very intelligent! If we ever listened to them! (I am sure you do!)
    I’ll use some of the things they said, in my life. “If I don’t look at you, I don’t hear you. When I close my eyes, they don’t work.”

    “My heart hurts, because you are yelling at me”…it’s true and poetic!
    The one sentence I normally followed… “I’m not listening to you – you are only my dad!” I was always considered THE rebel in the family… 🙂
    And your son loves your outfits (so do I), so, aren’t you doing a great job? Yes, you are! We definitely should dress to the ones who love us and that we love – including ourselves!
    Have a wonderful day and thanks for mentioning me and this inspirational post!

  2. What does Noisy Boy want to be when he grows up? Some of the things he says remind me of Pierce Brosnan or the dad from The Nanny. He’s super intelligent & a bit of a ladies man methinks.
    Miss3 has started the bum obsession too. Although the wiggles are a bit more gangsta rap video style. She spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. Wish we lived closer (like next door) so they could amuse each other more.

  3. I forgot to tell you something creepy Miss3 said – we have a mirrored wardrobe & one morning I put a photo of MrO in & shut the door when Miss3 was still asleep. When she woke up, she said to me “Where’s daddy?” I said “At work.” … “No he’s not, I just saw him in the mirror!” and she pointed exactly to where his face was, but behind the glass.

    • Since you are in possession of the most elegant potty mouths I have ever encountered I would expect the boys to be appropriate, eloquent and committed to the art of verbal obscenity. That is a compliment from a Scottish person by the way x

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