“It’s Alimentary*, My Dear Watson” or How to Lose 5 Kilos in 2 Days (Unpleasantly)

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS OBLIQUE REFERENCES TO EXCREMENT. A LOT OF IT. THERE IS NO WAY ROUND THIS, THE LAST WEEK WAS A BIT OF AN ENEMATIC SPECTACLE* ONE IN WHICH I FOUND OUT A LOT ABOUT MY COLON THROUGH THE PROCESS OF ELIMINATION*.

TO MAKE UP FOR THIS AND THE PATHETIC PUNS AND AWFUL EUPHEMISMS, HERE IS A NICE PICTURE OF SOME JELLY BEANS.

About 10 days ago Mel Corthine asked me on Twitter if I’d ever tried a yogic colon cleansing regime that involves slowly swallowing a twenty foot length of muslin cloth and then removing it after after use to lift mucus from the stomach and oesophagus. It is one of a number of equally unpleasant sounding but extremely yoga digestive cleansing methods that are collectively known as Dhauti. Both Mel and I agreed that despite the deeply disgusting thought of going through with these practices the promised end result – a good spring clean out of the insides – was appealing.

Little did I know that while we were talking about dhauti ingest* a small and sinister stomach bug had taken up residence in my gut.

On Monday the Minx and I took a trip to Bondi on the train. It was good fun and she and I shared lots of cuddles, some laughs and clearly a nasty micro-organism or two thousand. The homeward bound trip on a rush hour train was a surreal experience – my head was thumping, my muscles hurt and my stomach was churning and yet I found myself wrestling a 4 year old plus 4 bags and a stroller off a CityRail train.

Mummy” THE Minx asked while I concentrated hard on not kneecapping the lady opposite with the stroller wheels and/or vomiting, “Why do you have so many bags?

I dunno Minx” I replied biting back what felt like bile “Perhaps because I’m a complete masochist?” The man next to us thought this was quite hilarious apparently and yet still didn’t move his legs sideways to let us past.

  • WARNING TWO: Sydney CityRail commuters, memorise the face in the following pictures, next time I shall throw up on you – no more Ms Nice Jaws Clamped Together)

By the time that I got home a tiny percussion band were whacking me about the back of the head and shoulders with not so little drumsticks. Stretching out horizontally across the sofa seemed to stop the nausea but the addition of Myth Busters and/or Top Gear (who knows which) was enough to send me off to review what I’d had for lunch. My husband then packed me off to bed with a hot water bottle and about 7 cups of peppermint tea for what become a night long journey of plumbing abuse.

The next day and the day after involved more unpleasantness than any of you deserve to read about (except YOU Mr Unhelpful Commuter op. cit.). I kept myself entertained by trying to photograph my shoes with my legs on the headboard.

Stilettos on the headboard

By Thursday I had lost 5 kilos in fluid. I was quite impressed in a delirious sort of way. Instead of eating something, I amused myself by sliding easily into a long leather pencil skirt that hitherto had only fitted me with the aid of a lot of breathing in, calisthenics and an industrial strength girdle. I should have taken a picture as proof but by that time I was so dehydrated that any fleeting vanity was replaced with a alarming thought that the top of my head was about to burst open.

Luckily at that point @TiakiPilates called me:

How are you feeling love? Better?” she asked.

I think I am going to die” I may have said.

You’re dehydrated” she said “You could go to the hospital for rehydration. On the plus side in the hospital you’ll get good drugs to help you sleep. On the down side, hospitals are cold and you’ll come back with something even nastier. Or you could get John to go and get you some Hydrolite“.

Not long thereafter that is exactly what what he did and in between the Hydrolite and the jelly beans from Dulux (see above) I started to feel semi-human again.

The plus side of the projectile pollution episode? I feel like I have done my Dhauti for the next three months and one cup of coffee makes me feel like I’ve imbibed some kind of wonder elixir. No alcohol yet though. I’ve been too scared to try it out on my newly cleansed insides.

Instead I am sitting on the sofa on a Saturday night desperately saving a number of boots and shoes. I had intended to blog about them separately but time is short so please consider this the Porcelain Omnibus Edition.

Shoe Save 1 – Zu Corset Back Platform Stilettos: #35 of 105

Zu Black Corset Black Platform Stilettos

When:    Friday 12 August 2011

Where:    At work

With:      Wish jersey sequinned Dress worn over Metalicus long sleeved top; Tights                                       from Coles; Black  glass jewellery from various dollar shops and thrift shops

Shoe Save 2 – Lace Up OTK Boots: #36 of 105

Lace up piratical boots

When:    Friday 12 August 2011

Where:      Dress up Friday (work)

With:       Leggings by KMart; Black Leather/Patent Leather Corset:                                                                     Stormy Leather.

Shoe Save 3 – Novo Multicoloured Cage Booties: #37 of 105

Novo Multi-coloured Cage Booties

When:    Saturday 20 August 2011

Where:     Mrs @DGarberg’s Birthday Party

With:       Zip Tights from Sportsgirl, Chiffon Tunic from US eBay Seller                                                               Tamars Treasures. Cage booties by Novo.

Shoe Save 4  Zoe Wittner Black Patent Leather Silver Heeled Ankle Boots: #38 of 105

Wittner Black Patent Platform Ankle Boots

Unfortunately the heels are not metal which is a terrible waste – but they have put me in mind to get one of these cracking Gucci patent leather pencil skirts.

Maybe in a few eBay seasons or so – these retail for about AUD$1720.00 at the moment.

Worn:  19 August 2011

For:      Grace’s karaoke night (@Chrisenhall, Linda Tran and I sang

for her birthday. She may even have forgiven us by now for getting our Gaga on in triplicate.

With:    Black leather & Mesh Marty Samuels top via eBay;  black PVC and white cotton brocade corset from Gallery Serpentine, Sydney;  opaque tights from SES;  black rubber knickers $4.00 from eBay Australia (bargain); Black Patent Leather Platform Ankle Boots by Zoe Wittner
___________________
* I spent much of the week thinking up digestive tract puns. Actually, I lie – I spent much of the week on the toilet or in bed groaning but the latter sounds like more fun.

12 thoughts on ““It’s Alimentary*, My Dear Watson” or How to Lose 5 Kilos in 2 Days (Unpleasantly)

  1. Nice rubber knickers!

    It would have been very unpleasant… but looking on the bright side, if you avoid salt & eat a lot of protein = you’ve already got your summer bikini body all sorted out 🙂

    PS Woah. 20 foot is a LOT of muslin.

  2. Oh, I’m sorry to hear (to read…) that… I hope you are feeling better now, and as a matter of fact, the bug came to Europe now, I suppose – I started with the same symptoms today and I totally know how unpleasant they are. I’m prepared to spend a sleepless night now…
    Well, as a positive note I can say that I loved aaaall your shoes, and you with the blond wig, wow, sensational! You have such a fantastic body, the outfit was made for you!
    Anyway, just like I said, I really hope you are feeling better now! (Please wish me luck for the next days… really bad this bug, annoying! But some pounds less would be nice for me…)

  3. Good lord! Those OTK boots are amazing! I have no idea where I would wear them, but I’m feeling a need to get me some. And, I adore the fact that you wear corsets out. I just pulled 3 leather ones out of the drawer that I had built a few years ago. I’m hoping with just a few more weeks of kicking my ass working out, I’ll once again be able to squeeze into them. I built them custom for myself, but it was after a bout with a severe stomach flu. Much the same as what happened to you. Lost a ton of weight, looked amazing, then started eating again. Oh well.

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