My maternal grandmother who gave me these Geppetto shoes (full story here) was often horrified by my manners.
One night during the summer that I stayed with her I had a dinner date with a guy, a bartender and musician. He booked a table for dinner at Chez Josephine in Hells Kitchen. Apparently this was a bigger deal than I realised. She supervised my outfit preparations. “There’s no point wearing that top” she said “he’ll realise that you have no breasts“. I felt like pointing out that getting lucky had less to do with having boobs than say having a vagina (or not as the case may be) but I kept schtum. As I left the house she gave me a steely look and said –
“Do one thing for me“.
“Um yes sure” I said, expecting some uncomfortable contraceptive conversation.
“Don’t lick your plate after you’ve finished eating dinner, it’s a nice place“.
It was a nice place. It is still a nice place. I found another blogger who has visited and photographed it recently.
I forgot to mention that my dinner date took place in August on a swelteringly hot summer night, that I was wearing tights and that I didn’t get lucky that night or in fact any other night with this chap.
Did I mention that I was wearing tights?
My friend Nomes hates tights. She also hates hold ups. Unlike me, however, she has very long legs. By operation of some strange trompe-l’œil law, girls with very long legs can get away with wearing stockings and mini skirts. Since I have little legs with heels my minis appear to be shorter than they actually are. In a nutshell this means that unless I am going out to a tarts and vicars party it is a very bad idea for me to wear stockings and short skirts.
So here I am, covering up my dignity.
The problem with being dignified is that it invariably involves being sweaty. Want to wear a chiffon diaphonous frock in summer? Sure, just match it with flesh coloured undies and or a slip. This then takes away the joy of soft fabric on bare skin but you won’t offend anyone.
But the thing is that causing offence is a multi-sensory experience. It is not enough to cover one’s bits up, one also has to be careful not to do other things like sweating on a client’s boardroom table.
Our clients are setting up a sports related social media site. It is going to be a site used by a lot of people who like to see sweaty men running around on football pitches in Australia. My boss and I have spent the last two months drafting all their legal bits and pieces. Yesterday I got a call from the client.
“I don’t know where to put these legal bits and pieces that you have drafted for me, can you come down here and show me please?”
Being polite, I agreed.
Being polite when I got to the client’s place, a warehouse space full of long tables, mountain bikes, cameras and computers I decided to mirror the client’s body language.
He stood on his chair and promptly sat on the boardroom table. It was a big boardroom table that I couldn’t quite reach across.
“I’ll join you” I said and clambered up onto the boardroom table with him.
“Phew” I thought to myself “thank goodness I decided to wear tights because I would not be able to sit on a client’s boardroom table wearing stockings. That would be INAPPROPRIATE“.
We both peered at a computer screeen, a note pad and a few pages of the carefully drafted legal documents that the boss and I had prepared. Ten minutes later everything was in the right place and my client got back off the table again. At which point I got back off the table.
What I did not expect was to leave a perfect condensation print of my sweaty bum on the client’s boardroom table.
They were quite good about it really.
How do you get round the sweaty bum vs leg decency in summer dilemma – do you go barelegged or do you opt for tights/stockings/hold ups or other options?