Many people have completely the wrong impression of me.
I have met a few blog readers now. Before each meeting they will send me a text message saying something along the lines of –
I am wearing flats/sandals/bare feet, please don’t be offended. Please don’t judge me.
These people all think that because I love shoes, because I blog about shoes, the first thing that I will notice about a person is their shoes. People often think that but no, I do not notice your shoes – the first thing that I notice about you all is ….
… your teeth or lack thereof. I got the Austin Powers teeth jokes because I am obsessed with teeth. As a British person, I find it impossible not to look at people’s teeth. I will tell you now that everything that you have ever heard about British people in the teeth department is absolutely true -British people have horrible teeth. Middle class Australian people in common with middle class North America and Canadian people have nice teeth. There is a class based teeth divide.
Remember also that I am Scottish – if English is the Bad Teeth progenitor of the world, Scotland is the Nae Teeth equivalent.
My gran, for example, was encouraged to get her teeth out at the first sign of toothache. One of my dentists back home told me twelve years ago about a (then) middle aged woman who had come in to her for new dentures. This lady had apparently been taken to the dentist at the age of 15 with toothache and put under general anaesthetic only to wake up and find that all her teeth had been extracted. Her mother thought it best to avoid any future toothache. These days, of course, one could probably have the dentist charged with assault for removing the aforesaid lady’s teeth without consent but in those days folk had stiffer upper lips (due to the dentures, no doubt).
There is a long and rich tradition of truly awful British teeth in the public eye.
My father could never watch (or listen to) David Bowie because of his crooked teeth:
which are still scary to this day despite being fixed –
although not quite as bad as say, Kate Moss’ ex Pete Doherty –
Victoria Clarke, Shane’s gorgeous girlfriend, now has to speak for him in interviews because he has no teeth left and cannot, therefore, speak for himself. Am I the only person out there who wonders and balks at snogging a man WITH NO TEETH?
It is one of my great character flaws noticing teeth. So much so that if I had done that interview with Shane linked to above I would be sitting on his lap peering into his mouth and counting the stumps.
Where did this obsession come from? I suspect that it, like my obsession with boots, came from my dad. He has been going on about nice looking teeth for as long as I can remember him going on about anything. He has spent the price of a Jaguar car and more over the years on preserving his teeth.
So now that I am here in the land of the almost perfect teeeth (Australia) what am I looking at?
It is certainly not your shoes. Bear in mind though, that I do have a residual shoe memory (RSM) chip built in. While I am looking at your teeth some recessive shoe recognition gene is at work in the back of my brain processing your shoes.
But for my RSM why would I have chosen to purchase these shoes?
Well in order to answer that question, you have to dig deep into my RSM… back to 1968 and to the film Chitty Bang Bang. Check out the video link, but keep a firm eye on Sally Anne Howe’s shoes…
PS I have to say Anna Quayle’s corset scene in that film (as Baroness Bomburst) still defines my idea of sexy female boudoir attire to this day…
But that, my dear people, is a repressed memory to be unleashed some other time. if you are up for the challenge…