Day 54 of the Shoe Challenge – Pete Tong, a Camel’s Nose and the End of the Thin Wedge

Mondays are the worst day of the week unless, like me,  you start work on a Tuesday.

If anything can go wrong on a Tuesday it will. Two weeks ago my shoes fell apart. Today everything else did.

Now, let me take a moment to explain the shoes of the day.  These chunky wedges are designed by Tim and Fiona Slack for their ready-to-wear shoe brand Audley.  (They also do bespoke). Audley shoes are slightly funky but classic and very expensive. I bought this pair in a warehouse sale in Edinburgh under the influence of my good friend Craig (he who talked me into the cherry heeled shoes that I wore on Day 1 ).  “Hen” he said to me “those are classic wedges, they won’t date“.  Which is all very well but these are my second most intimidating shoes after my scary Pradas. It’s the pointy toes.  Pointy toes are aggressive and uncompromising and sharp.

Large consequences follow from small details like sharp pointy toed shoes.  It’s like the thin edge of the wedge, the Domino effect or the proverbial camel’s nose fable – once one thing goes wrong, everything else tends to go to pot from there on in. (If you have heard of the expression camel toe but not camel nose, trust me they are not the same. For more information on the latter click here. For more information on the latter, you are on your own.)

So, with a camel and a pair of wedges in tow (no pun intended) it all went a bit Pete Tong* quite quickly. Going back to my list, here is what was planned vs what actually happened:

The Plan The Reality
6     – 7 am

  • Get up.
  • Do Yoga Practice.
  • Eat Healthy breakfast.
  • Get dressed.
  • Check x 4
7 – 8 amGet:

  • Children up.
  • Noisy Boy to Pee in toilet bowl instead of on seat and/or floor.
  • Children to eat Healthy breakfast.
  • The Minx dressed & the Noisy Boy to dress himself.
  • All good except peeing in toilet bit.
  • Discuss with the Noisy Boy the importance of not peeing on the floor viz Mummy’s mental health for the umpteenth time.
  • Try to get Minx to leave house with fewer than 4 plastic animals. Fail. Realise that I am probably setting a bad precedent.
  • Wonder whether it is too early for a wee goldie**.
8.30 – 9.00 am

  • Go to work.
  • Check.
9.00 am – 5.00 pm

  • Work.
  • Try not to swear or drink coffee excessively.
  • No comment.
  • Swearing profusely by about 11.30 am is an occupational hazard of working with Italian boss. Number of coffees = 1. Emergency chocolate consumption = Excessive.
5.30 – 6.45  pm

  • Meet daughter of best friend from school who is doing a gap year in Australia.
  • Leave work take taxi to Paddington (nice part of Sydney for dinner).
  • Treat best friend’s daughter to dinner somewhere nice in Paddington.
  • Check. BF daughter looks just like BF but with an English accent. Light & easy conversation about shoes, travel and the crapness of Coles razors for leg shaving among other things.
  • Taxi driver does not speak English nor does he know the difference between Paddington, NSW and Kings Cross, NSW.  I do hope that he doesn’t work Friday nights.
  • On arrival in Kings Cross, I discover than I have left my purse in the office. BF daughter who is back-packer with no money has to buy me a pint and dinner at the London Tavern. I apologise profusely and offer her my shoes. She politely declines.  I offer her legal advice – she perks up a wee bit. Feel like I am a terrible excuse for a role model.
6.45 – 8.30 pm

  • Go to Chauvel Cinema to watch a short film premiere by director friend about a man reincarnated as cockroach with BF Daughter , husband and children.
  • Feed children jelly snakes for duration of film to keep them quiet.
  • Have a nice time.
  • On the way to the cinema, I receive a call from my husband who tells me that there is no-one at the cinema other than two bar tenders, him and the weans. I check Facebook invite on my phone & discover that film is showing on Tuesday 30 March not Tuesday 2 March. We are a month early.
  • We get to cinema, drink red wine quickly and feed the children popcorn.
  • Feel stupid.

Audley Black Pacific Calf Wedges circa 1999

Luckily my BF’s daughter is a glass half full kind of girl. “Can you tell mum that I was a month early for something?” she asks me in a very cheery way. Of course I can…


* Pete Tong is a Radio 1 DJ who also has attained international fame through his name becoming Cockney rhyming slang for wrong.  Unlike the confusion over which celebrity should be able to rhyme with tenner (ie a ten pound note) Ayrton Senna, Jim Fenner, Paul McKenna, Pavarotti (tenor) it looks like the Radio 1 DJ has assured his place in the UK vernacular.

** A “wee goldie” is a Scottish term for Scottish Whiskey and comes from the golden amber colour that a nice single malt gets from the sherry casks that it is stored in.

3 thoughts on “Day 54 of the Shoe Challenge – Pete Tong, a Camel’s Nose and the End of the Thin Wedge

  1. I think there are several salient points here which redeem the entire situation. 1. You did yoga. 2. Healthy breakfasts were had by all. 3. You got to work on time. 4. You did a Good Thing by your old mate. 5. You have a friend who is a Film Director. 6. You (at least attempt to) expose your children to The Arts. Oh, and 7. You wear Very Cool Shoes.
    As far as I’m concerned, you’re just about King Lear (that’s rhyming slang for Mother of the Year)!

  2. I am not a huge fan of the wedge shoe, for some reason my balance goes to hell whenever I wear them – heels I can mostly do, but alas, not wedges. I do however, love the pointy toe – I ‘get’ the pointy toe – if it were an analogy I AM the pointy toe. I just hate the toe clevage that can occur on many pointy toe shoes so I am very selective when I am purchasing them.

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