Day 49 – Black Patent Leather Shoes & Knickers

Have you ever been to a Catholic school? If so you will probably have:

  • reasonably acceptable handwriting;
  • a love of Holy Days of obligation (school kids going to Ash Wednesday Mass today would agree that it beats Double Maths hands down);
  • a lingering fear that masturbation will lead to either hairy palms or your private parts falling off; and
  • a lifelong curiousity about whether or not boys can see your knickers if you wear black patent leather shoes.

There is an entire novel devoted to the lengths that Catholic school boys will go to to see your pants. “Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?” by John Powers set in 1950s Chicago covers first confessions, love, patron saints, sex education classes and the importance of wearing knickers under your school uniform plaid pleated skirt. It has been turned into a musical with songs featuring lyrics like:

Don’t pay attention to your private parts

Don’t touch yourselves

no matter how you yearn

not even just a little

or you’ll burn burn burn

you better leap into an ice cold shower

and don’t pay attention to your

(*whispers*) Private parts”

If you are Catholic you will probably be used to people telling you that you are a bit odd. For example, today I missed Ash Wednesday Mass (there, I’ve said it and crossed myself) and wondered out loud to my friend Nomes Messenger if getting someone to put a cigarette ash cross on my forehead would absolve me.

She now thinks that I am even more mental than she did previously.

Ex-Catholic school children take a looong time to get over thinking that if we are playing with ourselves (or anyone else) that we will have an audience of deceased relatives looking on.  For years I was convinced that my deceased Gran there at the great iMax Cinema in the Sky of a Saturday night to watch “Me Up to No Good with Boys”.  To this day, I can imagine her stage managing my love scenes from afar. Occasionally, I catch myself arranging my limbs in the mirrored wardrobe as if for a close up.

Nowadays, I am long past the stage though where I expect to find men laying on the floor to get a keek of my knickers mirrored in my shoes. Notwithstanding this patent shoes still strike me as vaguely forbidden and I am still drawn to them accordingly.

One of these days I would really love the Mythbusters guys to go hell for leather and find out whether in fact you can see an underwear image reflected in patent leather shoes.

Fiordiluna Brand Patent Leather Court Shoes 3.5 inch heels made in Italy

The way to scupper them, of course, would be to go pants free.

5 thoughts on “Day 49 – Black Patent Leather Shoes & Knickers

  1. Aha! Catholic schoolgirl and I have very nice handwriting.

    But that’s where my life as a Catholic ends, since I was excommunicated for many reasons.

    It is, however, liberating to, ahh … you know … um, masturbate without… you know, feeling guilty. Yep.

  2. You Catholics are a weird mob. Us Jews, we eat and practice self-love with very little guilt. Forget your mother’s birthday though… oi vey, you may as well hang yourself.

    Speaking of weird, my irish Catholic housemate won’t let me practice massage on him. Comes over all shakey and said “never”.

    I would never join a branch of anything that was so against tactile pleasure, mass or no mass.

  3. You can take the girl out of the Catholic school, but you can never fully remove the Catholic guilt from the girl, as I know from experience.
    I don’t believe anyone ever got much satisfaction from peering at a woman’s patent leather shoes, except of course if the shoes themselves were stoking their desires.
    And why not? Black patent leather court shoes are all sexy secretary in a Maggie Gyllenhaal kind of way… as you have so very effectively illustrated in the photos above!

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