Guest Blog by the Baby Lawyer – What I know about Women & their Shoes

 As part of proving that there are bona fide settlement negotiations under way in the matter of CAVEAT CALCEI  -v- BABY LAWYER, I am required to provide a guest blog for the aforementioned blogger.

For those who haven’t figured it out, I am a man, and therefore I am frequently bewildered by the obsession that women have with shoes.  Now I like to consider myself to be reasonably fashion savvy, I subscribe to a number of fashion blogs (http://www.deeelighful.com , http://www.thesartorialist.com, http://www.fashionation.com), buy a lot more fashion and design magazines than your average straight male, and tend to notice when girls put in some extra effort to look good. But I have never understood two things.

  1. How much women like shoes.
  2. How much women like shiny rocks.

On numerous occasions I have witnessed women staring into a shop window with the kind of facial expression that one might expect to grace the face of a new mother, staring for the first time into the eyes of their first born son. Regarding the shiny rocks, in an attempt to curb my girlfriend at the time’s enthusiasm for diamonds, I hired the movie Blood Diamond. It is a movie starring Leonardo Di Caprio about the black market trade for diamonds in the African continent. The two things I took away from the movie were:

  1.  The use of child soldiers in the illegal diamond trade is one of the most horrifying issues facing mankind today.
  2. The control of the supply of diamonds by major diamond corporations which causes them to appear on the market at outlandishly inflated prices should be ceased immediately.

My girlfriend at the time took away the following:

  1. Leonardo Di Caprio has still got it.
  2. Pink diamonds are even nicer than clear ones solely because they are rarer, and the longer I have to wait to get one of them on my hand, the more miserable your life will be.

Men are practical, we like cars. They are beautiful, and we like the type of cars that help our ability to get from A to B as quickly as possible.

Fast Cars: Beautiful & Practical.

Sore Feet: Painful for women, painful for men to hear about.

Women are impractical, they like shoes. Whilst they may be beautiful, they like the type that hinders their ability to get from A to B as quickly as possible.

And do I need to create an analogy for the uselessness of a diamond, unless of course we need to discuss the industrial revolution with a focus on the technological advancements in 19th century glass manufacturing?

Perhaps I am being too pragmatic here…

We need consider the way that new shoes make a woman feel. I am not particularly impressed when a girl opens the box to show me a new pair of shoes, in fact I will mostly be considering the fact that it is likely that her buying this pair of shoes that are inches away from my face so that I can “smell the new shoe smell” will likely result in me having to pay for everything in the last week leading up to payday. However, if I manage to pull my undivided attention (sarcasm alarm) away from the shoes, and up to the girls face in time to catch a glimpse of the genuine smile that an inanimate and outrageously overpriced object can bring about, perhaps I too can appreciate the happiness that new shoes can bring. Or at least, appreciate the happiness until I discover that they were bought using my credit card…

5 thoughts on “Guest Blog by the Baby Lawyer – What I know about Women & their Shoes

  1. Too true.

    I was touched by the exploitation in Blood Diamond. Truly I was. But I would have preferred to be touched by Leo Dicaprio ala Blood Diamond.

    I can’t really help explain it, except that shoes make us FEEL good. Just like sexy underwear under your most prissy business suit, only on the OUTSIDE where everyone can see them and be envious of you! They tilt your legs at a beguiling angle, give you height and that satisfying click clack when walking on a hard surface.

    Running places is highly overrated. Sliding my feet into the cutest pair of red peep toes you have ever seen and donning a black dress trumps running for the bus any day. Like it or lump it, even in the best business wear, I’m not half the woman I can be if I’m on sky-high black patent RMKs. Fact.

  2. Ok, definate new years resolution – to establish a relationship with shoes that is not based on practicallity. That is based on shoes that make me feel good…
    (do they really do that? ’cause that’d be great)

  3. lifeslightlyused – they can, if you pick well. Steer clear of most sales and Payless Shoes.

    I suggest a trip down Parramatta Road to the innocuous looking Florsheim clearance store. Florsheim are fabulously comfortable and have many an adorable style, if heels-you-can-run-to-court-in or Glam-Flats are your thing. If you can’t do heels, try one of the season’s fabulously kitschy sandals or thongs. I have a gold lace-up pair that almost make me feel like a glamorous hippie child or Roman emporess.

    It’s a matter of what completely impractical aspect you desire from the shoe. I don’t need the height – I’m 174cm so heels are slightly excessive – but I love the leg enhancement and the way it makes me walk. Once you know what you want from a shoe, go out and start asking them if they can provide it…

    (sounds a little strange, but I do have a monologue that goes on when shoe shopping. Will you turn my summer dress into a wisp of summer cocktail party whimsy? Will you make my staid grey Ojay skirt into a power-PA combo the likes of which a potential employer will find so enticing they cannot help but employ me? Is your colour so delicious you will help me feel 19 again just for one night?)

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